It's Been Three Years

 

    Three years ago today I suffered a subarachnoid haemorrhage, more commonly known as a brain haemorrhage. It came completely without warning and for nearly twenty-four hours I didn’t even realise what had happened to me. It felt like the worst headache I’d ever experienced and being a previous migraine sufferer, extreme headaches were something I was familiar with. I took painkillers and went to bed, little realising that this was the absolute worst thing I could do. I was told later I should have called the emergency services straight away. But who dials 999 when they have a headache? 

It was a Saturday evening and I was going out with my husband to celebrate his birthday which would be on the following Monday. I was feeling tired but didn’t want to disappoint him. We went to our local pub and had booked a table at our favourite Italian restaurant. As we were walking across the road from the pub I felt a sharp, sudden cramp in the back of my neck. Mike asked me what was wrong but I brushed him off and continued on towards the car. As I got into the car I felt a splitting pain across the top of my skull as though I’d been hit over the head with a hammer. Apparently these are classic symptoms of a brain haemorrhage but I was completely unaware.

I’m sure everyone has seen the adverts to spot the symptoms of a stroke, telling them to act FAST. A brain haemorrhage, is also a form of stroke but who would know how to spot one? Only fifty percent of people who suffer from a subarachnoid haemorrhage survive long enough to reach hospital and of those who do, there’s a high risk of dying within the first three weeks or of becoming permanently disabled.  

I, though, tried to continue with my evening, even though my husband tried to persuade me to go home. Eventually I had to admit defeat and drove home. Can you believe it? I actually drove home. I hadn’t had anything to drink and it was only a headache after all. 

The next morning, when I was lucky enough to wake up, the pain was worse, my neck was stiff and the light hurt my eyes. I began to think along the lines of menigitis and phoned 111. They sent a paramedic and then an ambulance and it wasn’t long before I was being blue lighted to hospital. A CT scan revealed that I’d had a brain haemorrhage and from there I was blue-lighted to The Walton Centre, which is a specialist neurological centre in Liverpool.

The next day, a further CT revealed that I had suffered from a ruptured aneurysm.An aneurysm is a blister which forms on a blood vessel leading to the brain. If it is weakened in any way the blister can burst and the blood which is pumped from the heart to the brain bleeds out, potentially causing death. 

Aneurysms can develop in anyone at any age but are more common in people, especially women, over the age of forty. I was forty-nine. I realised I could have had this unexploded bomb in my head since birth.  The aneurysm in itself isn’t dangerous, it’s only when it ruptures that causes the problems. No one really knows why an aneurysm might suddenly burst: high blood pressure, physical exertion, stress. The doctors told me that they wanted to operate. Small metal coils would be inserted into the pocket of the blister to seal it and prevent any more blood from escaping. After that, only time would tell. I was stunned and couldn't believe that I was about to have brain surgery. This was on the Monday, the day of my husband's birthday. My phone had run out of charge so I couldn't even let him know. What a conversation that would have been. 'Hi Darling, happy birthday, by the way, they're just going to operate on my brain.'

   They explained that the surgery wouldn’t take place through my skull. Instead a catheter would be inserted into my groin up to my brain and the coils would be guided by ultrasound. Isn’t that amazing? I remembered being relieved that I wouldn’t have my head drilled open. Obviously the operation was a success and I spent the night being monitored in intensive care, where my poor husband spent his birthday evening. 

Ten days later I was back at home, but it took me months, if not years to fully recover. In those years I suffered from severe fatigue, memory loss, brain fog and loss of confidence. A form of PTSD kicked in and I couldn’t get rid of the thought that I might have either died or being left permanently disabled and had mild panic attacks whenever I saw blue lights on an ambulance. 

But recover I did, and have now written a memoir about my experience. It took me a while to be able to get my thoughts down on paper and NaNoWriMo helped me by giving me a deadline. I’m now at a stage where I am submitting to agents whilst further polishing the rest of my manuscript. Feedback so far is that it is good read and well written but no bites so far. Perhaps it’s completely the wrong time to be trying to get a book like this published but I’m very aware of the passage of time and will continue with my efforts. After enough tries, if I can’t get either an agent or a publisher, my aim is to get my manuscript professionally critiqued and then self-publish. 

More than anything, I’m now just glad to have survived. I was one of the lucky ones, thanks to the NHS and the fact that I lived close to a specialist centre who knew exactly what to do and how to do it.

It’s been a long road, but I want to let people know that symptoms of a brain haemorrhage should be taken seriously and should be acted on straight away. Also, that although recovery can take a long time, it is possible. You just need to persevere.

Take care everyone.

Goals and Hibernation

January was good month for me writing-wise helped by the fact that my social calendar isn’t exactly bursting at the seams at the moment and the cold weather always makes me want to hibernate.  

For the new year, I set myself my goals for the twelve months ahead, as I do every year. I’ve realised that it’s not enough just to set these goals but that I also need to make a plan of how I’m going to achieve them, otherwise, the time drifts and I before I know it, it’s the end of the year and my goals have slipped through my fingers. 

So I wrote down everything I wanted to achieve this year and then I broke them down into smaller sections. I read somewhere about breaking tasks down into seasons. In reality this is the same as quarterly but somehow the idea of working with the seasons seems much more romantic. Also it means that I can plan everything that needs little or no input with the outside world into the winter months. (That’s assuming we ever get out of lockdown!)

 

I then broke down the seasons into months and so I have a set list for each month. It might sound a bit rigid but it’s the only way for me to keep on track.

 

I’m pleased to say that I manged to achieve all my goals in January and even had some time left over for extra reading and “fun” writing so this has spurred me on.

 

January is always an easy month to achieve goals set at the new year, its keeping it up for the next eleven months that’s hard. But I remain determined!

In the spirit of aligning with the seasons I've also been venturing outside (when it's not too cold as I'm very nesh.) I've taken some photos which I've posted here. One of my goals is to improve my photography skills - well you have to start somewhere.

How are you doing with those new year resolutions?

 

Reading During Lockdown

 

I’m just wondering if the kind of books you read changed during lockdown? I think mine did.

 

For Christmas I received the book, Just My Luck by Adele Parks, which was a book I very much wanted to read after listening to Adele Parks’ interview on the Richard and Judy Podcast.

 

However, when I did sit down, looking forward to a satisfying read, I’m afraid I was disappointed. 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Adele Parks and the book was well written, as to be expected, but I actually found the subject matter to be quite uncomfortable.

 

The story centres around three couples who have known each other since their children, now teenagers, were born. They were part of a syndicate, buying a Lottery ticket using the same numbers each week, and gathering at each other’s houses on a Saturday night to see if they had won.

 

However, the week before the story begins the friends fell out and two couples dropped out of the syndicate. The woman who had always been responsible for buying the tickets, though, bought a ticket the following week, using the same numbers. And of course, this week, the numbers came up and the winning ticket was worth £18 million.

 

Naturally, after all the years they had invested in the syndicate, the other two couples felt that they were entitled to a share of the winnings, but the husband of the winning ticket, in particular, felt that they were not entitled to anything and a Lottery investigation ensued. 

 

So, what made me feel uncomfortable when reading this book was how winning that kind of money changed people’s personalities and broke down relationships – more than just the three couples involved. I’m sure that’s exactly what Adele meant to convey but I found that I didn’t like reading about such greed and the lengths people were prepared to go to, to get what they wanted and felt they deserved. I did read to the end of the book although I had to admit that I turned the last page over with a sense of relief.

 

My reaction made me think about the types of books I’ve been finding enjoyable recently and it was only then I realised that during lockdown I have been seeking out books and authors to make myself feel happy, rather than books that present a challenge. I’ve even revisited books I’ve previously read and enjoyed to be certain of a happy outcome during such uncertain times.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I have read a few thrillers and particularly enjoyed Blood Orange by Harriet Tyce, Invisible Girl by Lisa Jewell and The End of Her by Shari Lapena but on the whole I’ve tended to favour more feel good books by authors such as Lucy Diamond, Debbie Johnson, Fiona Gibson, Cathy Bramley, Veronica Henry, Erica James and Karen Swan. That’s not to say the characters in these books don’t experience hardship or emotional trauma, it’s just that I know that it’s all going to come good in the end.

 

I did read some new authors and enjoyed The Flatshare and The Swithc by Beth O’Leary and In Five Years by Rebecca Searle, but overall I’ve felt that I needed to find comfort in my reading matter.

 

What about you? What have you been reading over the last year and have your tastes changed during lockdown?

Its Life Jim But Not As We Know It

First of all, a belated happy New Year to everyone, and let’s hope that it does turn out to be a happier year than the one we’ve just left behind. Although as we’re back in lockdown again, it hasn’t exactly got off to a promising start. 

Don’t get me wrong, this new lockdown is certainly necessary, it just seems such a shame that nine months on, and despite the fact that we now have a vaccine, we don’t seem to be much further forward than we were last March.

 

2020 was a difficult year for all of us and whilst we can hope that things will be very different in the not too distant future, we still have many challenges ahead of us.

 

I’ve never been a fan of the dark winter months at the beginning of the year and usually wish I could hibernate. So trying to see some positives to this awful situation, lockdown is probably the nearest I’ll ever get to that.

 

Since March I have largely been working from home and whilst it took some adjustment at first – especially with a house full of people – I have, just about, got used to it.

 

Since July I had been going into the office one day a week on a rota basis so that everyone’s not in at once and that we can maintain socially distancing. Going to the office is a welcome break from the mundanity of working from home, but the thought of working in the office the whole time seems a very strange concept. I’m sure I’ll adapt though when / if the time comes again.

 

These are certainly scary times where nothing is certain and fear lurks outside our doors. All we can do is try not to fear the uncertainty too much and concentrate on the things that we can control.

 

So, at the start of 2021 I’m concentrating on being grateful for the things I do have – namely my family, a job and a home. I have a certain degree of financial security and in these uncertain times that is something that can only be a blessing.

 

The plan is to use these winter months of hibernation as a means for me to concentrate on my writing. I’ve set my goals, and given myself timescales for each month, and now all I just have to do it stick to it. I’m doing OK so far, I just need to make sure that I keep it up once January is over. Wish me luck!

A Momentous Day

Yesterday was a momentous day as the first COVID vaccines were administered to the elderly of our nation. Once more we need to be thankful for our NHS service which has the capacity not only to deliver these vaccines but also to do so without charge. We have a lot to be thankful for, not least that thanks to research, it has been developed in the first place. At last there looks like might be an end to the uncertainty and never ending fear of COVID even if it’s not until well into next year. 

Across the world people are set to experience one of the loneliest Christmases in living memory. My heart goes out to anyone who lives alone and I am extremely grateful for the fact that my own widowed mother currently lives with my youngest brother so even if we can’t go and see her she will not be alone.

 

I currently live with my husband and two sons so I won’t be alone this Christmas either but celebration with the wider family is definitely looking doubtful at the moment. 

 

I’m very behind on my Christmas preparations this year and am struggling to develop any enthusiasm for the festivities. I’m not particularly fond of online shopping for presents. Unless it’s something specific, I’d rather see before I buy when it comes to presents for other people and prefer the inspiration of an actual shop rather than searching through random websites.

 

So I delayed the majority of my Christmas shopping until after this second lockdown. And then last weekend disaster struck. Towards the end of last week my husband’s foot swelled up for no apparent reason. On Saturday I took him to A&E where he spent most of the day being tested for a blood clot because he has a heart condition. The result was that they thought it was an infection and he was sent home with antibiotics, and because he was told not to put any weight on his foot for at least a week, a Zimmer frame. Four days later and things haven’t improved much and due to his mobility he can’t do very much for himself. He doesn’t feel ill in himself, which is a good thing, but he’s getting very bored and frustrated as he’s used to being active and it’s hard to see him so incapacitated. 

 

As if that wasn’t enough, on Monday my youngest son was sent home from school as he had been in contact with someone who had tested positive for COVID and now has to self-isolate for the next fourteen days. He’s not worried for himself but for me and his dad as we are both in a vulnerable category. So far he has no symptoms but if he does test positive later this week we’re all going to be in isolation over

Christmas. Perhaps this is a first world problem but if I don’t get my finger out and soon, if we do have to go into isolation then Christmas won’t be delivered and as a woman I will feel like I have failed my family. 

 

Fingers crossed he doesn’t develop any symptoms and that we don’t either otherwise it’s going to be a very zoom Christmas. At least we have the internet and a lot to be thankful for. 

 

Hope you all stay happy and healthy during the “festive” period!

Life Is Like A Butterfly

The past few years have been very up and down for me and what with bereavement and ill health, mostly it’s been more down than up. 

At the beginning of this year I really felt that the dawn of a new decade was going to be a fresh start. Well, COVID certainly put paid to that for me as well as the rest of the world.

 

It’s strange to think how the world has changed this year – who would have thought back in January that wearing face masks would become the norm?

 

In many ways life for me hasn’t stopped since COVID. I’ve worked all the way through it and at first working from home was a bit of a transition – especially with everyone in the house at the same time.

 

But you have to try and look on the bright side and the lack of a social life has certainly benefitted my writing and I’ve tried to carve out a little bit of time each day (even if its not much) to write.

 

I’m a bit of a butterfly in my writing, flitting from one project to another, so this year I decided to change my tactics and focus on one project at a time. 

 

You may recall that in February 2018 I suffered from an unexpected brain haemorrhage and ended up having surgery at The Walton Centre in Liverpool. I’m so grateful to the staff for saving my life, and I think that during this crisis the NHS staff have certainly been recognised for the fantastic job they do.

 

But it did take me a long time to recover and for a while I had to put my writing on hold. The whole experience was completely out of my comfort zone and I decided that I would write a memoir about it. I’ve always kept a journal so on days when I couldn’t manage anything more creative at least I had an outlet and it also helped to keep me sane.

 

So when NaNoWriMo came around last year I decided to go for it and by the end of the month I had completed a very rough first draft.

 

This year I’ve spent a lot of time editing it and managed to get to the point where I was ready to submit it to an agent. Unfortunately, when the first agent came back to me she told me that it wasn’t right for her. But on the plus side, she did say that it was well written so that gave me something to hope for.

 

I dusted myself off and have since sent my manuscript out to five more agents. How I selected them is another story and now while I’m waiting for them to get back tome, I’m carrying on polishing the rest, just in case I get asked to submit a full manuscript. I’m also thinking about my next project.

 

Wish me luck.

The Merrie Month of May

May has always been one of my favourite months of the year, not least because my birthday falls in the middle of it. But to me its when the country properly comes alive after winter.

From March onwards things start to change, trees and borders bloom with colour and the weather gets warmer and the nights lighter.

But by May it often feels like the beginning of summer and we can celebrate the joy of being outside without having to wrap up against the cold (not always of course because we do live in England).

This year we are of course much more restricted but having a bout of good weather does ease the isolation and I'm eternally grateful that we do have a garden and are so much more fortunate than those who don't.

Sadly this May I won't be celebrating my birthday with my extended family or by going out for a meal, but I will make sure that I will find some quiet way to celebrate - we do still have a lot to be grateful for.