Out of the Loop

Last year I started out with every determination that 2017 would be my most productive writing year yet. Sadly it turned out to be the worst. My only two writing achievements were that I managed to edit a book I had written and submitted it to the RNA New Writers Scheme, and I attended my first ever RNA event - an afternoon tea in York which was thoroughly enjoyable and truly inspirational.

But throughout 2017 on top of normal work and family responsibilities, I was plagued by illness, both my own and that of family members. In June after lots of tests, I found out that I was suffering from a form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Not only does this affect the joints, but the immune system as a whole, and it meant that I was constantly tired as my body was fighting infections which didn't exist. Being diagnosed was a bit of a life changer. On the one hand I was pleased that I finally knew what was wrong with me, but on the other I was faced with taking heavy duty medication for the rest of my life. It took a while for the medication to start to work and sometimes I was just so exhausted that I would come home from work and go to bed. Hence the writing took a bit of back seat.

Then, on 20th December, after a long and debilitating illness my mother-in-law passed away. It was sad to lose her so close to Christmas but she had been suffering for such a long time, in fact we had all been on high alert since early November, thinking every day could be her last. But 2017 hadn't done with me yet. The next day my Mum went into hospital to have knee replacement surgery and on the same day my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He had been a little unwell but none of us were prepared for that, or the fact that his health deteriorated very quickly and he too died, only ten days later on 30th December.

So at the beginning of 2018 instead of reviewing my goals for the previous year and planning for the next, I was organising funerals and overwhelmed in grief.  The funerals took place in January, both within a week of each other. Funerals are funny things, a juxtaposition of sadness and happiness. We celebrated both their lives with friends and family and had the satisfaction of doing both them proud even though our hearts were breaking. 

And then came the time of getting used to life without them. Some days would be fine and at others I could burst out crying at the drop of the hat. I guess that's just the grieving process, but I suppose one good thing was that both my husband and I were grieving at the same time and if anything it brought us closer together. 

The suddenness of Dad's death made me realise more than ever that this life is not a dress rehearsal. I had signed up to RNA New Writers scheme in January to give myself a deadline so I decided to crack on with my novel, work on my ambitions and make my Dad proud. And so February began with us all getting used to our new normal.

And then in the middle of February without any warning whatsoever I suffered a brain haemorrhage. At first I though it was a really bad and sudden headache.  I took some paracetamol and went to bed. Thankfully I woke up the next day but was in agony and phoned 111 ending up in an ambulance and on my way to A&E. One CT scan later and I was transferred by another ambulance to Walton Hospital a hospital which specialises in neurology. It turned out I had an aneurism which had burst and which could have killed me. Scary stuff. But the hospital were brilliant and after surgery I spent 10 days in hospital. That was 8 weeks ago and although the road to recovery seems to have gone on forever, life is getting back to normal. I'm still only working part time and from home (DVLA haven't signed me off to drive again yet) and I still get very tired, but compared to how I was, or how I could have been, I am so lucky.

So I'm getting back to writing again, but this time with a little more focus. Life is what you make it and I intend to make the most of mine!